The Woman in the Attic

*Reflect reflect reflect

It's time to be vulnerable about an inner issue I (and I imagine many others) struggle with: self-worth.

This is not coming from 3am thoughts or the occasional existential crisis, but from a touch of bad news I received today. I didn't get into UNC's Folklore program, the only grad school I applied to in the Fall. To be honest, I'm not surprised. It is a hard school to get into. However, there is a sadness that I want to address the best way I know how.

I think one of humanity's greatest issues is putting self-worth on basically anything whether it be money, titles, and/or experiences. A life is a life, and each is unique. However, we have psychologically fucked ourselves over. Hear me out, dear blog.

I am privileged and have never worried much about money. My needs have always been met, and to be perfectly honest . . . this is certainly a matter of luck rather than skill on my part. Due to this, I have never measured self-worth through money. (Of course, most of how society works revolves around money being equal to self-worth. But that's capitalism's inner demon, not mine).

This fact about me may not be surprising when looking at my life choices. I studied English and anthropology, and money is not there. Much of my work is volunteering as well.

My self worth is like a childs and I have never grown out of it. I just want, "Yes." I want, "Yes." The word "yes" is worth more than money to me.

I am addicting to publishing content, and always have to be careful because it is so easy to just give people my work because "yes" and not because money.

This can be cute on the surface, but it's actually pretty disturbing the more I dwell on it. I think the most powerful people are those that can hear "no" and still thrive in their self-worth. They can just thrive by telling themselves "yes" while the rest of the world says "no."

For example, I met a mysterious woman in an attic Oakland. She was a poet, self-published, and dwelled in a small community of interesting folks. When she heard I was writing a book, she basically told me "agents, publishers, you don't need them. You have something to share. You do you."

I try to carry on with that strength, that idea from the woman in the attic.